Noobies VÜ

Wiley, brilliant ladies. You gotta hand it to them.
As a man, I can never empirically observe the phenomenon of "cramping, bloating, and general malaise" brought on by the "monthly visitor". As such I propose that perhaps this "torture" doesn't actually exist. hmmm
Let's face it, Woman often receives the brunt of the blame when it comes to Man's supposed fall in the original Garden. But please, I don't think she shoved that apple (or whatever it was) down the dude's throat. Something tells me it was akin to him saying, "bitch, I'm hungry, get me something to eat." Whereupon she came back with, "shove this in your mouth you lazy ass." Along with plenty of, "I don't care what that booming voice in the clouds tells you I was not put on this earth to service your every whim. Now get off your butt and help me clean this place. Psh leaving your banana peels and crap every where, garden of Eden my ass, it's more of a pigsty than anything else..."
Obviously, early woman needed a break once in a while. And man was she smart. She didn't ask for too much, just a couple of days each month. So I think she gathered all her little girls and let them know, "you know what, men are pigs, always have been. So, we need to take matters in our own hands. We can't vote, we can't own property, shit, we are property in their minds, so we need to come up with something that allows us some much needed 'me time'. Now let's make it really icky for them so they don't even want to think about it. Suggestions?"
"How about our breasts get sore and they need to not be touched?"
"Hmm. Not bad, Anyone else?"
"O ooo, I know my man hates stomach aches, let's have one of those!"
"Oh, yes that's good, but let's make it waaaayyyy worse than anything they have ever experienced. Next."
"My man gets really grossed out when I discuss my uterus sloughing its lining."
"Perfect, you are exactly right! Let's round all these things up and from now on that all happens for 3-4 days each month. For those of us that are really good at it, I bet we could parlay that into at least a day off or two in the future when we finally get the right to have our own jobs. It's brilliant, we don't even need to prove how much pain there is since there is no way to actually measure pain beyond personal anecdotes."
Ok, so maybe that's not how it all went down, but if it did, that is bloody brilliant. Men need something like that!
I have no problem with women, hell I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for one. But since I am "a gay" I don't have to worry about my girl cutting me off for voicing my doubts of the veracity of her claim of misery once a month.
But damnit, I would like to be able to simply call into work some day and just say, "I can't come in, I'm having *hushed tones* male problems." The person on the other end will nod sympathetically and tell me, "ok, I'll let them know, thanks for calling in." No questions asked, because it would be universal and accepted.
What can us guys use as a justifiable excuse... hmmm....
I know, Morning Stiffness!
This happens to all guys alllll the time and we all know what a pain it can be. The beauty of this ailment is that it would even work for small boys because we've all gone through the whole, "mommy my pee-pee huuurrrrtttsss." So there is a basis in history for this argument. Any woman with a boy-child has heard the complaint, and like us and menstruation, she has no idea HOW much it hurts. I say we play it up. (just like they may or may not be playing up theirs)
"You ladies have no idea how bad this is. I can't peeee in the morning, do you know what that's like? And you laugh at me as I try to position myself in poses that make yoga look tame to try and aim that thing to the bowl. It's murder, I just can't go into work today."
Another plus for this "issue" is that while they can only really use it once a month (though I am pretty sure I have noticed some apparently going through their period at least 2-3 times a month) we could actually use ours pretty much every day!
And since they have a nifty name for their issue using a punctuation mark, we, being men and more dramatic I say we use the exclamation point! (thank you Gary for the idea)
"Oh god, I can't go to work today, I woke up with my exclamation point. sigghhhhhhhh" It's also quite descriptive when you think about it.
So tell me boys, what do you think? Does this have potential? If you think so, we have to get on this right away so that it can get into our gender memory. This type of thing has to be handed down from father to son, just as the period and all its woes are from mother to daughter.
Can we do this? In the words of the current president, "yes, we can!" oo look an exclamation point!