Noobies VÜ

Hello all, (2 or 3 of you)
No, the title isn't an allusion to the Nickleback song, though it is one of the few of theirs that I tolerate. It's just been a looooonnnnngggg time since I last posted. Shame me, Shame! No biscuit.
As you all know (again, all 2 or 3 of you) I live in southern Utah and it has become overrun this past week with the q-tips and walker hobblers that descend on St. George for the Huntsman Senior Games. I am all for old people getting out and running and jumping and having a grand time competing with one another. I am curious as to what the events are though. Getting out of bed? Making it down a flight of stairs without a broken hip? Making it to Vegas without stopping at every available toilet or soiling their granny pampers? Those are all very exciting and, I'm sure, have caused more than their share of nail-biting moments. But, I have to admit to being a bit inured to the whole thing when I find myself competing with these same competitors on the roadway. And, let's face it here, these people are not here competing in any kind of driving events. Unless said event happened to be tying up traffic for hours as they make their slow plodding way from venue to venue in their Cadillac Land Yacht. Imagine 7000 of these people storming your city at 23 mph. It's not very pleasant. I'm sure all these grannys and grampys are wonderful people, but they should have drivers provided for them. I cringe every time I pass a car and all I see are two hands on the steering wheel at 11 and 1 and the top of a puff of cotton candy hair, like a geriatric version of Kilroy. (Google that if you aren't familiar with the term). The sudden influx of Metamucil guzzlers just exacerbates an issue we already have here in southern Utah: shitty drivers.
Now, I've already ranted about them previously but, this is a whole new rant.
Here at my job just off of Bluff I have noticed a large increase of traffic lately and (well I've noticed it all over actually) I've noticed that no one in this town seems to know how to merge left so that incoming drivers can enter the roadway. What is it with people that they will travel in the right hand lane for miles with no intention of turning right? They don't turn in the immediate future nor, oftentimes, in the far future. Many of these people actually hang a left onto Sunset 4 miles down the road. I don't understand this mentality. As soon as I get onto a road, unless I'm turning right soon, I merge left. For 2 reasons: people enter the roadway more on the right and 2, exit more on the right. I don't like having to speed up and slow down constantly as people enter and exit. We have turn lanes here in Utah for people turning left (a source of constant amusement and irritation when getting stuck behind some yahoo who doesn't understand the concept of GETTING IN THE DAMN TURN LANE!) so people don't impede traffic when turning. But not so, for people turning right, for the most part.
It gets really frustrating when you sit at a road wanting to turn onto your next chosen road to see 90% of the traffic in the outside lane while the inside lane is almost completely clear.
Wake up people, this isn't rocket science. You too have sat waiting to merge, frustrated at the amount of traffic, yet you can't think enough to do something to alleviate the situation when you are on the other side?
I just don't get people.

In concert with the fabulous Spin Off, I am continuing on in the vein of educating people to the wiles of the notorious douche bag. Whilst he focused on the most apparent and obvious of the breed, the Peacock of Douche-baggery, I have elected to turn my gaze to the Dodo-style.
This ever elusive member of the douche bag world is subtle and cunning and often only exposes itself during moments of duress or assumed immunity to censure.
Unlike the prideful douche bag that frequents gyms, clubs, restaurants and Wal-mart, and likes to boast of its status with the aforementioned items of accoutrement described on Spin Off, the Dodo douche bag blends into the scenery and utilizes the surprise attack. It sneaks its douche-baggery into conversations and work place meetings like the bird that it derives its name from, sneaks eggs into nests.
We all know someone that we think is a stealth douche bag. If we think it, it is likely so. There is no cure for the Dodo douche bag any more than there is one for the Peacock douche bag, but since they are so insidious in nature they are much more dangerous to your livelihood and business and often financial success.
Keep your eyes open and watch out. They like to sneak up on you and strike when you least expect. Sometimes you can notice their presence by the tell-tale stench of vinegar, as if they've spilled summer's eve on their clothes, but don't rely on that.
Another thing to keep in mind is that they are not limited to males and sometimes the female of the species is even more dangerous.
So be careful kiddies. That pat on your back may not be in support but more as a search for a soft spot to shove the knife in.