Noobies VÜ

random mutterings and musings by me, myself, and I.

3/31/2011

Eau de What the Hell did you roll in?

Posted by vanashke001

The "oh so wise" Jared of Spin Off raised an excellent point today, the offense of people who marinate in their cologne but seem blissfully unaware that it might smell less offensive than their poop and/or b.o. but is still offensive just the same.
But, the real question on my mind, (raised because we have a couple of offenders here) is what about those that stink, but not of any man-made stink-pretty that they delightfully douse themselves with like it's essence of "come get me", but with straight up ass stench?
I mean, sure your eyes water and maybe you sneeze a few times. But come on! That's a tiptoe through the tulips of olfactory heaven compared to people that simply do not bathe or wash their clothes/socks/body/hair who seem intent upon assaulting our delicate noses with their fragrant noxiousness.
Could it be that some people are just unaware of it? Or are we just manufacturing excuses for them to make ourselves feel better about the fact that we are sissies and afraid to point out their hygienic failures?
Also, why is it that the people this type of comment is aimed for always falls on deaf ears? I had an associate who reeked, but I could think of no tactful way to bring it to her attention. So I just mentioned it in a meeting and blamed a "customer complaint" for the issue being raised. I mentioned no names and pointed no fingers. I should have! The person in question was completely oblivious. Instead, another girl piped up (mind you, someone that NO ONE had complained about) and said it was probably her because she, "had a fungus that the doctor gave her medication for that smells really bad and she got it cuz she didn't bathe enough." *big eyes! OMG really? and it wasn't even about her!
The other girl *ahem Justine just nodded and continued to come to work smelling like (insert some famous sports dude of which I have no idea) after a six hour (insert practice/game/ whatever the hell it is that famous sports dude of which I have no idea would be doing that would make him smell) and a lengthy roll in dog shit (just for good measure).
So take note people. Sniff your underarms, check your feet, and for god's sake look around you, if people are breathing shallowly it's probably you! Don't let yourself be forever referred to in hush tones and covered noses as, "That (insert offending person's name here)" because you are only referred to as "That (person)" for negative reasons. Unless of course it is followed by, "is a funny bastard". as in, "that Mike is a funny bastard." Then it's all good. or so I am told.
*sniff-sniff
yeah, I think I'm okay.

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6/03/2009

gah!

Posted by vanashke001

This is something that has bugged me for quite some time. It is something that when witnessed it churns the stomach and tears the eyes. It is not something I aspire to do or achieve. It is not something that inspires awe or jealousy. It is something that makes me groan and sometimes even dry heave and makes me curse the male human being. What could this hideous thing or act be? The infernal desire that many straight men seem (sorry boys, but gay guys just wouldn't do this) to feel the need to do and share. The "unburied soldier" The steaming pile of waste that straight guys seem to gauge their manliness by. Too many times have I gone into a stall in the restroom to piddle (I never sit, in a public restroom, I just don't, but that's another story. I am pee shy tho, so... well, there it is.) and I am greeted by the fragrant leavings of the guy that last visited this commode abode. Am I impressed? God no. Do I wish , that I too, could create such a noxious and foul apparition? FUCK NO. That shit best be left at home! Why do people think we wanna see this? Do you do this at home? Do you think to yourself, "God damn that one big pile o' crap. I am so proud I'll just leave it here for the wife and kiddies to see." No! you send that bad boy where it belongs. Why don't you do that in public? Cuz your a pig! a fucking immature, aging adolescent asshole who must humor yourself by the most basest and revolting way possible. Meanwhile decent people like myself must attempt to hit the handle with the toe of our shoe whilst burying our noses in our shirts and averting our eyes to keep from searing the image of your "best work" onto our retinas. Praying that we don't slip on the piss you felt compelled to leave behind as artistic flavor on the floor, thereby plunging our foot into that glorious pile of gastric effluence. Just so we can have a pristine bowl to aim for. Just a bit of advice, by the way, if you leave that much behind you shoulda gone a long time ago. It isn't better after it's aged up there. Oh, and another thing. Grunters! Jesus man, if it takes that much work, it isn't ready. You're lucky you don't have an embolism. It's a known fact that 3 percent of household deaths take place in the bathroom on the toilet as a result of blown vessel from too much strain. Save it for your house man. Maybe one of your frat mates will be impressed and stunned to silence by your sheer talent and looks forward to your calling out from the bathroom, "dudes you gotta see this thing, It fills the bowl, totally swirling around in it like a corkscrew! It's like fuckin art!" Just do the rest of us a favor. You gush it, you flush it.

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