Noobies VÜ

It was brought to my attention by someone I consider a dear and true friend that I might have unfairly focused on the LDS church and Boyd K. Packer. I think I need to qualify the statement I made earlier on Facebook and Twitter. Since I tweeted it at the same time I could only use 140 characters but there is more to it. I am not LDS. I do not hold to LDS beliefs. This man means nothing to me. I made the original joke intending to use some other old guy, but he's in the media right now and was stuck in my mind. So be it. That's the price of being relevant.

I could care less what this man thinks of me. If there is a god I will answer to him/her/it when the time comes. I feel I have lived a "righteous" life so I am confident I will be okay. *fingers crossed ;o)

I used I/me instead of us/we simply because it was easier.

The problem with what this man says is evident in the rate of suicide/attempts among LDS youth who feel that they are abominations and sinners. That they have a choice and that they choose to be this way. Imagine being told you are a certain color because you choose to be. Now try to change that color. I can speak for myself that I tried to change. I tried to not find guys attractive and I failed. I too attempted to end my life as a result (half-heartedly and obviously unsuccessfully) and have more than once found myself contemplating it, even this late in life.

People don’t understand what comes along with being gay sometimes. Some people have an easier time with it than others. I am single and have been for pretty much ever. Such is my lot in life I suppose. Am I happy about it? Hell no. Perhaps that will change.

As a result of this solitude there have been times it seemed like it would be so much easier to not have to deal with it. While I lived in Vegas that reached a peak, luckily, I withstood the onslaught of despair and reveled in the friendships I had and the family I am close to. Without that… who is to say.

So, if one were to believe what many ecclesiastic leaders preach, why don’t I just switch teams? Why don’t I just find a nice woman to settle down with? If only it were that easy. I long to spend my life with someone, and to have children and grandchildren and all the concomitant things that accompany such a life, but it is not be. Would that I could change that, but I cannot. It’s not that I haven’t tried. But it is not going to happen and I am the only one having to live that truth. Regardless of what ignorant people will tell you, there is no choice. There is no waking up suddenly realizing that, oh hey, I think I like guys now.

I could no more force myself into a loveless marriage just for the sake of not being alone. I could not put my wife and possible future children through the emotional rollercoaster that would be sure to follow. I have no desire to find myself trolling the internet via Craig’s list or some other hook-up site with the intention of finding some guys to have trysts with while pretending to be a decent and honorable family man.

This is what happens all the time. There are a ton of ads in every city of guys wanting to get with another, on the “down low” “no strings attached” “married guys ok” and all the rest. You have closeted senators and church leaders meeting other guys in bathrooms then having to face their own hypocrisy in the news when the “scandal” breaks.

I long for the world where who I love matters less than the brand of car I drive or the groups I listen to or movies and books I prefer. All are things that have no effect on the people around me, though they may have a differing opinion about, but ultimately has no impact on how they feel about me as a person.

Is this such a bad dream? Is it too much to expect? For now, apparently, it is.