Noobies VÜ

Welcome 2012!
TL;DR version: I don't make resolutions, blah blah blah but I'm gonna try to accept who I am and quit comparing myself to others.

I am not a big New Year's resolutions type of person but I think it would still be a good idea to reassess what's going on in my life. New Years is just a convenient date to do so.
I am grateful for New Year's Eve as that I got to ring in the new year with some good friends. I think that's a good thing. Sure I wish there were some other people there that I don't get to see, but I need to be more grateful for what I have as opposed to being bitter about what I don't. But isn't that the rub?
It is so much easier to lament the things we wish we had and envy those people that have them. I have always had a bad habit of judging myself based on those around me, to my detriment. I do try to stop those insipid thoughts that creep in and try to undermine what little confidence I do have but it is usually easier said than done.
So this year I am not making a resolution, I am just trying to be more aware and thankful for what I do have and to enjoy it while I have it. Not bring myself down when I wish I had more. I think I'm at peace with my solitude. Sure it would be nice to have that "significant" other but I am really just happy knowing that I have a bunch of friends that I can spend time with that I don't ever really have to worry about having a bad falling out with and losing that connection as they decide that they want nothing more to do with me.
But what of this society? Am I not just a result of what we are taught to expect? That sense of entitlement that we develop as Americans and as someone who identifies as gay?
As Americans we seem to think that we are better than people in other countries (though perhaps all countries have this arrogance?). As a gay person I am horribly aware of what the "gay male ideal" is and I know I am not, nor will I ever be, it.
These things cause me pause. I wonder why I am not extraordinary and I wonder why I was dealt the cards I hold. I am only now accepting the fact that there are things I can change and things I shouldn't even worry about changing. The problem is accepting the way things are so I don't have to go through the thought process of having to accept I can't change it. To me those are different things. There is a difference between accepting who we are, and accepting we can't change it. The former is an acceptance of the status quo, of accepting our uniqueness. The latter is trying to change it and finally accepting you cannot. You're accepting  your failure as opposed to your success. We each need to be the best that we are able to be, without judgement or frustration. Other people judge us just fine and we don't need to be our "own worst enemy". This is my goal.
The folly of youth is the belief that the "now" is what is most important at the cost to "soon" or "in time".
I think we should all live in the moment, but we still need to be mindful of the future and what it has in store for us. Sure it's easy to figure that we'll face something when it happens. To me living in the moment is more about being thankful for what you have and enjoying everything around you. It's quite another to sacrifice what can be for what is. Cramming your foot into 6 inch stilettos because they make your legs look so great at 22 but then at 52 being unable to walk because of the damage those $700 Louboutins did to your feet. Or the insistence in tanning because you don't "look as good pale" and then dealing with the skin cancer at 40 or even younger.
Would I have this opinion if I was able to tan? Would I have continued with the sun worship if I could attain that "golden healthy glow"? I don't know in honesty. Just like I don't know the path my life would have taken had I moved to Phoenix or San Diego or West Hollywood instead of staying in Southern Utah. I just know that you really do reap what you sow. I've had an eyelid replaced thanks to skin cancer and I go through life every day noticing spots on my skin with a different texture than the skin around it and worry that it might also be skin cancer. But sharing these experiences with others means jack shit.
As much as I like to think that the "it gets better" movement is making a difference, each person has their own shit and their own demons that they have to face and, no matter what, no one can save them from them but themselves. But the nice thing with this type of movement... it proves that, though they may not be the exact same demons, people have been through similar trials and came out on the other side, not unscathed perhaps, most likely changed, but alive and kicking, which is much better than the alternative. The problem with this movement is it deals with the young. And as I've learned, the "young" will always stay young. They cannot see past their immediate future and their current situation. They think they can on certain levels, but when it comes to their gestalt and their very being, they cannot. Sure, we can plan for a future of owning a home or having a family or getting an education or a career. But when it comes to our mortality, or the repercussions of our actions in the moment... those things we are blind to in our youth. And those trappings fall away when we move away from our "youth" and move into our maturity. For each person that is a different time. And I think for each person there is an element of regret and a yearning to return to what was or a desire to change the decisions that we made. Some people refer to it as the "arrogance of youth" and I think that might be fair. But I think it might also be the ignorance of youth. That inability to understand mortality. Not just in existence, but in how we exist. Ask the fellow in the wheelchair how he feels after that split second decision to see just how fast he can take his bullet bike on a stretch of road. He still exists, he is still there, but he is fundamentally a different person so in essence he doesn't exist. He ceased to exist in his original form the moment his body hit the pavement.
Now it's not just the young that do these things. I have made plenty of decisions that in retrospect I should have known better. But I am definitely more aware of the choices I make now then I was at 20. Sometimes I worry about that, because I think I am not allowing myself to live out loud or to live completely because I might be hamstrung by something that "might happen" as opposed to what "will happen". But this doesn't preclude the idea that there are things we should be aware of and things we can do that will ensure we will have the opportunity to live long and well.
No regrets. I wish that were as easy to put into action as it is to type. I don't think for a moment that it is possible to live fully without regret. But I do think we can mitigate that regret. That is ultimately what I am hoping to do this year. To not judge myself based on other people and as a result regret only the things I didn't do as opposed to the things I did. I will take more chances, I will work on becoming who I want to be. But I'll do it for me, not for my perceived idea of how other people will experience it. I won't try to become more fit out of the idea that by doing so I will be more attractive to others. I will do it so I don't feel tired when I vacuum my damn floor, or move furniture around or just move through this world. In essence, I'll do it for me as opposed to "them", that invisible audience we all carry around in our heads.
So, going forward I am going to see where this road takes me and see what the future has in store for me and I will accept it and me for what it is and do my best in forming it in a fashion that makes me happy. I will not compare my home, or my life or myself on others' and just focus on being the best "me" I can.
Fingers crossed.