So again, I take up keyboard to bitch and moan about people who seem to think that infidelity is the hallmark of a great relationship.
I just don't get this mentality. It's even harder when I learn that people who I think very highly of are guilty of cheating on their partner/spouse. I just get so aggravated. Maybe it's not for me to get on my Huffy Bike and complain about it, but it just seems to be so disrespectful to the idea of monogamy and to the counterpart in their relationship.
As a member of the gay community, I also hope for the day that gays can marry in every state. But I can't say that gays would work any harder at a relationship then straight people do. I guess it really puts us on common ground with straight society.
"Hey, guess what breeders, we have as little respect for monogamy as you do! woo hoo!"
Maybe this will be the new call to action we as gays need to finally be accepted within the main stream society.
I wonder if I hold this negative view towards philandering because I am single and because I don't have what these people have/had that they seem to disrespect so much. Would I also cheat on my partner if given a chance?
I like to think that I wouldn't. I feel that if you are with someone you are with them, not simply so you can have a regular piece of ass, or for making monthly financing easier, or simply for someone to talk to, but because you genuinely care about that person above all others. Is it more true to assume that most of the time we are with that person just so we have a warm body to snuggle up to while we wait for someone better to come along? This seems to have a ring of truth to it.
As gays sometimes our options are limited. So perhaps there are people out there that are together mostly for convenience. I have caught myself thinking that as opposed to being alone, perhaps I should just date such-n-such. But I simply can't do it. I want to be with someone who I feel is the end-all be-all and who feels the same for me. But is this the fallacy of "love". Is "love" just simply chemicals that bash together but ultimately are nothing but chemicals?
Gays are quick to point out that homosexuality does exist in nature and within the animal kingdom, something so many straight and religious people claim does not. We have gay penguins in zoos raising a brood, we have examples of homosexuality in animals in pretty much every species. Some of these species mate for life. So if we use the argument that homosexuality is natural because of the animal kingdom, then shouldn't that argument also support monogamy?
I am really having a crisis of conscience over this whole thing. I again, recently learned that someone I consider a very close friend, cheated on their partner, and has been an active participant in someone else's infidelity. It really bothers me. But I have to wonder, do I have a right to be bothered by it? I think I do. I think it speaks directly to someone's character when they are so willing to participate in something like this. I don't really care if someone maintains they are in an open relationship, unless that person is actively involved "during" I have difficulty accepting that. I have known people who have maintained this facade but when you talk to the other member of the relationship they do not feel the same way at all. It seems to me, if you have to look outside your relationship for something, you shouldn't be in the relationship.
I know that there can be different levels of infidelity. When I was doing some research on the psychology of cheating I learned that you have the standard sexual as well as emotional, which may or may not contain a sexual component. Which is worse?
I find that I have lost a lot of respect for some of the people in my life due to this activity, and it really causes me stress. I am not a victim but people I care about are impacted by this so I find myself reacting partially for them. And who do I or should I respect less, the cheater or the cheatee?
I know that we are big on telling people, "hey, who I sleep with and what I do in the privacy of my own home is no one else's business." But that statement sometimes seems to ring false to me. What happens between two consenting adults I feel is between them. But when you get a 3rd or 4th or more involved, then is everyone consenting? And should that affect how an uninvolved party should feel about it?
People vilified Tiger when he was caught. Was it because he was cheating or because he cheated sooo much?
Gah! I don't know, and it's driving me apeshit. I tend to think that I am justified in my feelings towards cheating and cheaters, but I can't help but think perhaps I am being a bit self-righteous (a character trait I do not find attractive). And is this disrespect enough to reconsider my friendship with those people? I don't want to be all on my high horse about this, because, I sometimes get the impression, I wouldn't have many friends since every time (well not EVERY time) it always comes to a shock to me when I find out someone cheated on their partner/spouse. But I do have a hard time looking someone in the face when I know this type of thing about them. So, I usually wind up avoiding them for a while. It seems to pass over time. sigh.
Well, dear reader(s) what are your thoughts?
Sound off in the comments, I am curious to see what other people think.
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6 comments:
Having been the recipient of being cheated on, I can honestly say I would have preferred for them to just tell me, 'hey I am unhappy, fuck off' than have to go through the questions, trying to put a story together and then finally getting the admission of 'yes I did it". If your not going to be honest with one another whatever the relationship, then you might as well not bother. Well thats my opiniations anyways.
Everyone feels different about it. Some are completely against it and some are fine with it, usually because they are the one perpetrating the whammy. I think that if you do not condone this behavior, then you don't have to surround yourself with it. You can choose who your friends are. I for one do not appreciate this behavior and feel that those committing it don't take others feelings into consideration and are selfish. If you want to be with someone else, then have the decency and strength to tell your partner that it isn't working out, don't be a coward about it.
Boy, you sure gotta lot of stuff.
1. Huffy Bike
2. High Horse
3. Low Horse (otherwise, why would you say the other one is High?)
3. (ALTERNATE) Straight-edge Horse (possibly the High in High Horse could be redefined as Druggie Horse?)
All in all, your comments on nature are exactly the opinions I've read about. Many scientists and biologists have theories that humans are not monogamist in the sense that they mate for life. They try to "spread their seed" far and wide to ensure the viability of the race. Both the male and female participate in this. I've also read that as humans we can CHOOSE to fight our natural instincts and become "monogamous". This is the way many humans look at it now, and to revert to our instinctive ways only hurts the other partner.
In my last relationship things weren't going well at all toward the end... Encouragement came from my significant other to just "get my needs taken care of", as any sort of compromise on his part was unfathomable. Essentially, despite the fact that I didn't want to at the time, we "opened" the relationship per his initiation. In what I thought was potentially saving the relationship by getting my physical needs met, even at his behest, only made things much worse in the long run.
Suffice it to say it didn't work out, obviously. And now I feel like the CHEATER.
Though it was his idea in the first place doesn't really comfort me when I get to thinking about it. I've always hated cheaters, even in movies, and especially the treadmill wench at the gym (cheating herself)... but now that I find myself among them at times (when I'm not rationalizing it away), I'm more lost on my hate-dynamic than anything else. :( Yeah he said go ahead, but I was still the one who broke the monogamy, not him. And despite how fucked up we were, I wish every day I could take it back.
So I guess I really have no comment. :(
@Chris hahahaha I should look at it that way more often, look at my riches! Yeah in psych we learned of course all about Freud's 5 drives and the human need to "spread the seed". Many people think it is the ability to NOT follow those drives that separates us from the lower primates. c.o.n.t.r.o.l. The capacity to keep from jumping on a ovulating female like a rutting bull, or making like a circus seal on the next willing guy.
@kyle, wow, the CHEATER's[sic] perspective. Interesting. But was it all simply justification? I mean, knowing as I do, how people, especially the person in question, react to certain difficulties and the common, "I'm not giving it to you, go get it elsewhere" response, do you think that it was honestly meant? I know I have told people things, no, go right ahead, see the movie without me I don't care. When in honesty I care a lot. I know the analogy doesn't really fit, but I think you get my meaning. I don't know. I just get it all mixed up in my head. I don't feel I have a right to be upset, but I can't help myself with it. I hold people in high regard and it bums me out when I find that esteem misplace I guess. But is it misplaced? What do I expect of them? Should they apologize? That seems ridiculous to me, they didn't do anything wrong to me. But still I find myself questioning who they might be. And I cannot pass judgment since I am not in that position. But in essence I am passing a judgment. sigh. There are 3 sides to every story, yours, mine, and the truth. Everyone's experience is colored by their own gestalt and that makes it theirs, who am I to place expectations or conditions on friends.
Now, I think serial cheaters *ahem rhymes with well, we know who that is, are worthy of my displeasure.
Thanks everyone for your input.
@ Mike - I know the "go get it elsewhere" was honestly meant, but that doesn't make it me feel any better about it. Essentially, I still had a choice to make, and I feel I made the wrong one. I thought I was making it for the right reasons, at the time. But I guess that just an example of how easily we can fool ourselves. --It's not even "technically" cheating (the justification!), but I still feel like a cheater. I took the coward's way out, rather than end it when I should have (like Tan and Jared mentioned).
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