Noobies VÜ

It was brought to my attention by someone I consider a dear and true friend that I might have unfairly focused on the LDS church and Boyd K. Packer. I think I need to qualify the statement I made earlier on Facebook and Twitter. Since I tweeted it at the same time I could only use 140 characters but there is more to it. I am not LDS. I do not hold to LDS beliefs. This man means nothing to me. I made the original joke intending to use some other old guy, but he's in the media right now and was stuck in my mind. So be it. That's the price of being relevant.

I could care less what this man thinks of me. If there is a god I will answer to him/her/it when the time comes. I feel I have lived a "righteous" life so I am confident I will be okay. *fingers crossed ;o)

I used I/me instead of us/we simply because it was easier.

The problem with what this man says is evident in the rate of suicide/attempts among LDS youth who feel that they are abominations and sinners. That they have a choice and that they choose to be this way. Imagine being told you are a certain color because you choose to be. Now try to change that color. I can speak for myself that I tried to change. I tried to not find guys attractive and I failed. I too attempted to end my life as a result (half-heartedly and obviously unsuccessfully) and have more than once found myself contemplating it, even this late in life.

People don’t understand what comes along with being gay sometimes. Some people have an easier time with it than others. I am single and have been for pretty much ever. Such is my lot in life I suppose. Am I happy about it? Hell no. Perhaps that will change.

As a result of this solitude there have been times it seemed like it would be so much easier to not have to deal with it. While I lived in Vegas that reached a peak, luckily, I withstood the onslaught of despair and reveled in the friendships I had and the family I am close to. Without that… who is to say.

So, if one were to believe what many ecclesiastic leaders preach, why don’t I just switch teams? Why don’t I just find a nice woman to settle down with? If only it were that easy. I long to spend my life with someone, and to have children and grandchildren and all the concomitant things that accompany such a life, but it is not be. Would that I could change that, but I cannot. It’s not that I haven’t tried. But it is not going to happen and I am the only one having to live that truth. Regardless of what ignorant people will tell you, there is no choice. There is no waking up suddenly realizing that, oh hey, I think I like guys now.

I could no more force myself into a loveless marriage just for the sake of not being alone. I could not put my wife and possible future children through the emotional rollercoaster that would be sure to follow. I have no desire to find myself trolling the internet via Craig’s list or some other hook-up site with the intention of finding some guys to have trysts with while pretending to be a decent and honorable family man.

This is what happens all the time. There are a ton of ads in every city of guys wanting to get with another, on the “down low” “no strings attached” “married guys ok” and all the rest. You have closeted senators and church leaders meeting other guys in bathrooms then having to face their own hypocrisy in the news when the “scandal” breaks.

I long for the world where who I love matters less than the brand of car I drive or the groups I listen to or movies and books I prefer. All are things that have no effect on the people around me, though they may have a differing opinion about, but ultimately has no impact on how they feel about me as a person.

Is this such a bad dream? Is it too much to expect? For now, apparently, it is.

I have been informed that it has been too long since last I posted. Though it seems like no one ever reads my blog it does make me feel a bit better when I am told such things, because it gives lie to the assumption that I only do it to see myself write.
So there is a question when you are creating a blog and putting down your thoughts: Is it of intrinsic worth and value, or is it simply an exercise in indulgence where you can just prattle on and on about mostly nothing excessively with little or no regard to grammar, punctuation or the joys of brevity?
Now that I put this down of course, one or more people are going to assume that I am talking directly or indirectly about them. Maybe I am (I am) but, maybe it's just further evidence of these peoples' arrogance and assumption that everything indeed is about them.
But as my friends they cannot help but influence my writing and opiniations. Is this bad? No. I think it is not.
I think the true value of reading and writing blogs is learning through them how to write and perhaps how not to. I do try to be somewhat entertaining and I hope that I succeed more often then I fail, but that is really up to the reader no?
Looking back at my blog I saw that I had very accurately commented that it would likely be a forum for me to complain and vent in. It's very useful that way.
Some days I am even grumpy when I have had nothing go on that I can complain about. Let's face it, those are the most entertaining posts.
In closing I ask myself a few questions:
1. am I overly self-indulgent in my writing
2. am I improving in my writing
3. other than ranting and raving, and maybe the occasional homo-improvement post, am I entertaining
4. do I bore people
5. are my posts too long and pedagogic
6. are they the opposite; too short and obtuse
7. because seven is supposed to be a karmic spiritual number, should I edit more, both for length and spelling/grammar/punctuation errors
All these questions and more run through my mind every time I post.
Maybe I shouldn't concern myself too much with such petty concerns, but if I hope to garner or maintain an audience I think they are paramount. So I shall ruminate on them a bit more, and hopefully not as much time will pass between now and my next post. If I am lucky maybe some punk/q-tip will cut me off in traffic and give me grist to mill on my mortar and pestle of a blog.

I was talking to a friend of mine who also has a blog, and he was distressed by a negative comment he received. This got me thinking, as a blogger, who is putting his thoughts out to the world, should he not expect to receive some kind of feedback on his posts? And should he only expect to have positive comments and feedback?
I figure I can expect to have feedback that runs the gamut. I understand his concern and I also understood his reaction. The feedback wasn't terribly kind, and he didn't receive it on his actual blog, instead he received it on his Facebook wall. Was this an appropriate forum for that feedback?
If we are going to put ourselves out there and use multiple forums of promotion, I suppose we can expect any of those forums as possible sources of commentary and feedback.
Was what the commenter said inappropriate then?
I guess that would depend on the recipient. For him, no. Me? I think I would have just given it back in kind, or simply ignored it, or deleted it, whichever pleased me at that point.
I also provided him feedback, but I did so face to face- frankly I was somewhat bored with his post. I thought it was mildly indulgent and overlong.
But you know what?
It's his blog, he can do or say whatever in the world makes him happy.
Would I call him lame on his Facebook wall? Probably not. But that's just not how I usually operate.
But the thing is, that's the risk you take when you use a public forum for expressing yourself. People are going to make digs and some people are going to think you're the second coming. But will they ALWAYS think you are? Unless you are totally awesome... probably not. It's the haps. I have multiple people I follow, other than S.T. Lewis, who is just spot on about all the time, most of them- the revered Wil Wheaton for one, and 27b/6 for another, have let me down. But I move on and read them again and weigh each of their posts on their own merits. Just like an Emmy winning comedy can have an off episode, so too can a great blogger have an off post.
Just shake it off and try again.

Went up to Kolob this past weekend. I have never been there, but after seeing it I want to go again and again. I really have to question why the hell I bought a house when I could have gotten a ratty old trailer and stuck it up on a lot here instead. You can recharge in this kind of beauty. I might could also talk my brother into coming to visit with views like this. (oh and the less than sun-surface temperatures help.)
The image below is looking into Zion Canyon from Lava Point Overlook (as always, click to embiggen)

Like a fool I shined on taking my camera so I am stuck with these craptastic shots I took with my phone. And to top that off I could only take a few because the battery died. grrr
The image below is one of a couple I took at the cabin we were at. Thank you Claudia Bradshaw for hosting us 'mos for your annual PFLAG bbq. Why I never went before I don't know.

The shot below is directly from her back yard looking to the northeast

This shot is to the southeast
Man, so much beauty and the smell of the trees and grasses, just marvelous. To get away from the heat of St. George was such a needed respite. I would go again in a hot minute. I am packing up a tent and heading up at the first chance.