Noobies VÜ

I've posted before that I really love pretty, fragrant, colorful gardens. I've even been trying to achieve something close to that at my own house but it's a lot more difficult then I thought it would be.
I like to think of myself as capable of doing most things, then the reality of my limitations comes crashing down and I realize I need to stop drinking so often.
Last weekend my brother and I went on a garden tour with a couple of my besties in the hopes of getting some inspiration. Well it succeeded and failed. It succeeded on the point of introducing me to some plants and garden types that I really liked and could see modeling my yard after. It failed on the point of enticing me into thinking I could do it as well. Bastard gardeners.
I've been slowly working away on my yard; added some trees last year. And I've been planning on doing some more this year, but as with all things, I am lazy and I drag my feet. Thanks to an awesome infuriating neighbor I've found myself having to step up to the plate sooner than planned.
My next door neighbor's next door neighbor, on the other side, bought the house between us. This would be my next door neighbor, though they didn't actually own the house, they were renting from some apparently obnoxious person who lived their before but had moved into town and seemed to be subsidizing their rent by using the rent they charged on their house instead of paying the mortgage on said house. So, it became the bank's property and my neighbor's neighbor is now my neighbor and his own neighbor. Anyway.
Awesome fellow my neighbor², he has transformed the mediocre house next door into a gorgeous little bungalow type of hybrid. I give to you, exhibit 1

Click to embiggen (sorry this is off google street view)

And now look at this little jewel, (oh and don't think I don't appreciate the fence, I had been wanting to put one in for a while, neighbor kids kept going into mine when they played. -oh, an aside inside an aside, turns out the shady owner kept moving the property line. The chainlink fence in the previous picture was actually over 2 feet onto my property. nice. - this allowed me to cut my costs in half, more if you include the fact that he built the whole thing while I was at work!)
Exhibit 2 The after where my damn  awesome neighbor has totally stepped up the game of making a jewel out of chunk of shit.

HUGE difference

 So because, well I had planned on it anyway, but he did up my timeline a bit. lol

A couple of weeks ago Constance and I decided to at least try to add a little color to the front of the house, she of course, had totally planned on jumping right in with the planting and stuff, but hey at least I got her input. We I made window boxes! (in her defense she was busy holding down her bed and making sure the cats weren't lonely)

Connie's box (har har- wink wink)

Jason's, snicker, box.

There are some really fun flowers but I don't know how well they will do at this point. I can't seem to water them enough. I may have to move them or try other plants. They do seem to revive when I water them but still.

This week I attacked the front yard rocky area. Again I totally over estimated my skills. But I hope it'll turn out. I worry because I have no clue how to do it or what to put in, I just find pretty plants that will take full sun and cross my fingers. But I have definitely learned I am not very delicate when I handle plants. It's funny I give roommate Jason a ration of shit because he doesn't know his own strength, but something tells me he'd be more gentle at planting than I am. Sigh.
So here are the plants I just put in.

I really hope these grow

To break it down, in the front we have a Delphinium. So cool. unfortunately the tallest sprout thingy broke off on the way out to me jeep by a lovely gust of wind. Really?! sigh, then another one got broken while I ham handedly planted it. It would not be the only casualty.

Delphinium, sure I stuck the broken piece in the ground, there's a chance yes?

The next one has the neatest petals, the Dahlia!

Dahlia

The last in this section is a butterfly bush

"Butterfly Blue" Scabiosa

Behind these (I didn't take a picture yet) is a Tuscan Blue Rosemary. Oh man it smells sooo good! I blame credit my brother for this one. He pointed one out on the tour. I will post a pic once it blooms (fingers crossed)

I also put in some wild grasses. These were probably my most AHA! moment of the day as I have struggled with what I wanted to do I discovered hey, I should plant these every other and flank the sidewalk with them! I chose Regal Mist Deer Grass and Mexican Feather Grass, just don't ask me to tell you which is which.

back (I think) Mexican Feather Grass, front Regal Mist Deer Grass

In the front right planter I threw a couple of plants- one I'm really excited to see bloom (again, fingers crossed), Chapel Hill Yellow Lantana, and a Salvia, Burgundy Candles.

front, Burgundy Candles; rear, Chapel Hill Yellow Lantana

"Burgundy Candles" Salvia

I didn't get a pic of the lantana since it hasn't bloomed yet.
The last plant was one I was most excited about until my fat fumbling hands decided to wreck the damn thing. I guess I didn't pay as much attention when planting it as I should have. sigh. The three red spikey things are supposed to be attached to the other red spikey things but I managed to bust them off. Apparently I really shouldn't try to plant that type of bush. Felt like a total dumbass when that happened. Oh well, what do you do, I hope to get a couple more and maybe those I won't fail with. lol I figure it'll grow.

"Brakelights Crimson" Hesperaloe Parviflora

More plants to come, but hopefully practice will make me a better planter.

I think I figured out why it has been so warm this winter. First, I'm not complaining about the heat, it is marvelous and allows me time to ride my motorcycle in comfort, but it has been really warm when compared to January and  February of past years.
With my roommate's help this last weekend I think we discovered why.
On my continuing trials and tribulations of my home and the corner cutting and what-the-hell-were-you-thinking modifications by the previous owners, I have found one more.
We had some good rain last week (I love the rain, but I've grown to fear it lately) and I am aware that when it comes from the correct direction my roof tends to leak a little bit. Not a lot, but enough to warrant a bucket in the sunroom. I'm actually quite happy that it is localized in the sunroom doorway but it's still not cool. At all.
Well, imagine my surprise when I am sitting on my couch and there is this odd pop-pop sound coming from the cushion beside me. I glance over to see a receipt roomie had left on the couch jump slightly. I'm like... wha...?
Just as I start to ask said roomie, who was sitting on the floor- don't ask, he just does that, what he left on the couch that was making that noise I realize it is a drip. Holy shit. I've never had the ceiling actually leak in the main part of the room, but I look up and I could see water collecting at a seam in the drywall on the ceiling. Not cute.
Sigh. Fortunately, beyond a few drips that sectioned dried up quite quickly, then I could hear the bucket in the doorway start to fill up. Double sigh.
I had to resign myself that once again I was going to have to tromp up unto the roof that weekend and see if I could figure it out.
I am pretty sure the half-assed way that the a/c unit was installed had everything to do with it. I just have to wonder if the homeowners did it themselves, or if they paid someone to do it. Regardless, it is ridiculous. I can already tell I'll have to do something to correct it in the future. I just love when people half-ass things figuring they'll fix it later, or better yet, allow someone else to fix it when the house is foreclosed on. psh.
In my inspection of the A/C unit I discovered a nice gaping hole (try a good half an inch at its widest) beneath where the ducting ties in. I didn't think a lot of it, the ducting itself is flexible tubing so I assumed the square ducting was simply enclosing the other stuff, I had corrected some similar gaping above with some aluminum tape but I hadn't looked below. I should have. I can only assume due to the way they installed it, the unit has settled and caused the gap to open below. Well, roomie passed his hand underneath when the unit turned on to heat. Oh joy. One vent is the cold air return, the other, heat. Well both of them sucked and blew. I think we can pinpoint my house as the cause for the warm winter as I have apparently been heating the outside for months.
It's almost funny, I went upstairs to figure out a water leak and discovered another kind of leak. Well a bunch of aluminum duct tape later, hopefully that part of it is corrected. Now I still have to figure out how to correct the water leak. Pretty sure the 2x4s nailed into the roof have a lot to do with it. It just kills me 2x4s! Then there is a bit of flashing that they used that I assume was meant to direct water away, but it is so stupidly put in that instead it directs it under the 2x4's where it collects until it seeps into the house. Idiots.
I had hoped to post some images of it but I didn't think to take them until after I fixed stuff. We put some flashing around the the sides of the frame and thus far, almost 2 months and a few storms later, I can say that I think the problem has been at least mostly addressed. For now.

I just found out that a very dear friend has left this life. I say dear friend even though I don't think I have seen her in over 5 years, if not longer. It's so difficult sometimes to put into words the complex emotions that make up friendship. I loved her dearly and have always so cherished the relationship we had. But it seemed as I grew older and came more to terms with who I was and my homosexuality that I developed the habit of separating my life into two distinct timelines. BEFORE and AFTER.

Jackie was BEFORE. The irony being she was one of the first people I ever came out to.

I don't think this has been a conscious decision. I know that I don't make an effort though, to keep in touch with many of those from BEFORE. I don't know if it's because I really question how they will take me and the truth of my sexuality, or if it's just the simple fact of being reminded of who I used to "be" and the lies I told to protect myself from the fear of losing great friends over a revelation of who I really was. Jackie had never given me any reason to doubt her feelings towards me. She was always so accepting and loving. We never went through a parting of the ways other then when I moved to a new city. I don't even remember when it happened. It just seems that people grow apart over time, and when I returned it was just too easy to maintain the status quo.

I try and try to recall the last time I actually saw her. I can't for the life of me. But I can recall a lot of the wonderful times we did spend together. The ups and downs of both our lives, the birth of her beautiful daughter; my coming out; her brother's marriage; the trials and tribulations of her relationships... She always had a smile and a laugh to share. And it was wonderful. And so was she.

you can't see it, but she is gleefully tugging on a co-worker's hair. This was Jackie. :)

When I first found out about her cancer I planned on going to see her and catch up. I thought she was in remission but I was horribly lazy and ambivalent and just never bothered. When I was told that she was in the end stages on Friday I thought about trying to see her but I was reluctant. I tell myself it's because I wanted to continue remembering her the way I do; laughing and vibrant and full of life. I didn't want to be plagued with the images of her in the hospital with machines maintaining her life. But ultimately I worry that I was being selfish. That this was that one opportunity to let her know that I cared and rejoiced in the life she lived with me.

But I couldn't. If there is one thing in this life I have become very good at, it's distancing myself from most of the painful emotions that make up our day to day existence. It's a coping mechanism that I have developed over time, and it works quite well. But I am less for it I think. I just can't seem to break it. Being confronted with the reality of mortality in such an explicit way is a bit more than I can take. It would force me to address the issues I have with death and dying. There is a big history for me with this and it is a huge part of what caused me to lose whatever faith I once had. Seeing my grandparents die and visiting them in the hospital as a kid, most specifically my mother's mother, who had suffered through multiple strokes, it was just something I have been unable to face. When my own father was in the hospital I couldn't visit him, even though I knew he wanted me to. I was able to visit my mother after her aneurysm and I am surprised I was able to do that. But I have learned that I am getting really good at compartmentalizing; in many aspects of my life.

I think I am experiencing the first casualty of that division. I have lost someone that I had always assumed that I would one day see again. And it hurts. I think not just in the loss forever of her presence but also in having to confront some issues I have worked very hard to disregard. Ultimately this choice was taken out of my hands since as soon as I was off work I was headed to Vegas with a bunch of my AFTER friends and Jackie passed pretty much when we were sitting down to eat. I had no cosmic revelation that this had happened, no disquieting feeling that something was amiss; she went quietly into that good night and I was oblivious.

It always seemed like Jackie and I had all the time in the world to run into one another again. I know in my heart that somehow, somewhere we will meet again and pick up where we left off and all the pain of this world will have passed us by. I hope then I can thank her for being who she was and loving me for who I was, and ask her to forgive me for not being there all those times I may have been able to give her support.

To Jackie I can only say; I'm sorry for missing out on so much, but thank you for all that you selflessly gave to me. You will be missed. And once again you have taught me something I didn't realize I needed to learn.

I finally finished painting the garage door! It looks so lovely. I do still need to finish the trim of the house and the front door but I feel so accomplished with making the door look complete. Now with having wired the garage and putting a door on the back as well as enclosing the eaves with a half-assed soffit and closing the gap above the second-hand door, I can actually use the garage for more than just storing the vehicles. Lights and more outlets were the big things. I'll be posting some pics of those later once I get it all finished up and looking prettier. But for now, feast your eyes on the goodness that is the garage door. ;)

A few months ago I was on a quest, a quest to make my bathrooms look fabulous and cohesive and tied together. Roomie Constance and I had gone to mucho trouble to repaint the cabinets and mirrors in our respective bathrooms an awesome modern black. They look really good if we do say so ourselves. And we do. Throw in some nice nickle hardware and those poop palaces look fabulous, see here.
One problem though, Roomie Connie's toilet seat was in wretched shape and she found herself either struggling to stay on the damn thing as it wriggled around under her, or got her delicate bum cheeks pinched by the broken vinyl cover. I decided I'd come to her rescue. I mean I do own the stupid house, it was up to me to replace that hazard we referred to as a toilet seat.
So began my quest, I didn't want just the run of the mill toilet seat, I wanted one that would match her decor, and damnit while I was at it I might as well get one for my bathroom, even though the seat down there was fine.
Well, success! I discovered a place on Amazon that sold Black toilet seats! Huzzah!
In truth I was hoping for a black version of what I had downstairs; a dark oak natural grain toilet seat. I was only able to locate gloss versions. But I was like, heck yeah, sounds good! So I ordered two of those bad boys.
When the seats arrived I immediately eventually put them in, a day or so later. They looked magnificent. So modern. So classy. Perfect.
Imagine my dismay when a day later I looked at the one in the downstairs bathroom just a little too closely.
SHOCK AND HORROR! What the hell is that?!
There, outlined on our perfect toilet seat was an ass bum print. Mine or one of the roomies' is not known, probably a bit of both, or all three if we're being specific and accurate. This could not stand. (fear not, no images are forthcoming)
I immediately grabbed my Lysol wipes and went to town cleaning it. Of course I then had to wait to take care of business as I was worried what the wet Lysol would do to my delicate parts.
Why I was surprised by this development is unknown, possibly because I just didn't do the math.
Whenever we use something with a glossy surface we leave a smear behind; just look at your cellphone for verification of that fact. It's not just our faces that are covered in oils and dead skin; it's pretty much our whole body. Ew. As embarrassed as you might get when someone sees your cellphone now imagine that feeling when you realize you do that to a toilet seat. Now realize that you do that to every toilet seat, not just the black ones.
I am struggling with not changing out the toilet seats with standard wood or white ones, just so I am not confronted with the visible evidence of what we all leave behind. It's still gonna be there, I just won't see it. I guess there is some truth to the phrase, "out of sight is out of mind".
I don't blame either of the roomies for this, keep that clear, we are all the same and they are both fastidious in their hygiene, but... damn.
So, I'm either eventually gonna get new seats, again, or buy some ass gaskets disposable toilet seat covers, a ton of Lysol wipes, or learn to ignore it. I just highly doubt it will be that last choice. Oh god. What have I done?

My motorcycle is AWESOME! It now sounds even more awesome than it did before!
I love loud vehicles. They are AWESOME! :)
My prior motorcycle was somewhat enjoyable but god it was uncomfortable. (Please see prior posting I Present, Ezreal for more information)
Anyhoo, like that bike, I wanted to do some upgrades and pimping. Unlike that bike, this time I actually am!
Hootie hoo! The first mod, PIPES!
The bike was loudish before, mostly because as a poor man's pipe modification I simply drilled out the back plates on the stock exhaust. That actually allowed for a bit more sound. But then the good old Roomie had to go and get some AWESOME pipes, Vance & Hines Sideshots. OMG so AWESOME!
Once again, I was sold. I had to get some cooler, louder pipes. The thing with adding pipes is that if you also add a tuner (a cool little box that's like Captain Kirk to your motorcycle computer's Scotty, and it tells it you need more POWER!) you can actually get some nice performance gains. I haven't put on the tuner yet but I've added the pipes and oh my are they LOUD! Roomie's are probably louder at idle but I got him trumped under power. I almost feel a little bad for people I drive by. Almost.
I really like the looks of the pipes too.
A before shot with the stock pipes (as always, click to embiggen)

During the install (just looks kind of cool with no pipes lol)






And with new Cobra Dragster Goodness


I really think they clean up the look of the bike. Before there are so many conflicting curves that it looked almost messy.



I like the way the pipes follow the bottom frame and make it look a little more butch. lol
I find it interesting that they almost make the bike look shorter. hmm

Tonight I'll be installing my tuner, and then this weekend I'll be eliminating the back blinkers by intergrating them with the taillight. Next weekend the front "lollipops" will go when I put some trick blinkers on under the lower triple tree. (the bit that holds the front forks- pictures will make it all clear)

Thank you taxes for making this all possible. I wish some of the other things I wanted to get were less expensive (almost $200 for a side mount for my license plate?! really?) but it's a work in progress.

And since talking about the sound of something means nothing without the sound, here is a little video that kind of gives you an idea.

Welcome 2012!
TL;DR version: I don't make resolutions, blah blah blah but I'm gonna try to accept who I am and quit comparing myself to others.

I am not a big New Year's resolutions type of person but I think it would still be a good idea to reassess what's going on in my life. New Years is just a convenient date to do so.
I am grateful for New Year's Eve as that I got to ring in the new year with some good friends. I think that's a good thing. Sure I wish there were some other people there that I don't get to see, but I need to be more grateful for what I have as opposed to being bitter about what I don't. But isn't that the rub?
It is so much easier to lament the things we wish we had and envy those people that have them. I have always had a bad habit of judging myself based on those around me, to my detriment. I do try to stop those insipid thoughts that creep in and try to undermine what little confidence I do have but it is usually easier said than done.
So this year I am not making a resolution, I am just trying to be more aware and thankful for what I do have and to enjoy it while I have it. Not bring myself down when I wish I had more. I think I'm at peace with my solitude. Sure it would be nice to have that "significant" other but I am really just happy knowing that I have a bunch of friends that I can spend time with that I don't ever really have to worry about having a bad falling out with and losing that connection as they decide that they want nothing more to do with me.
But what of this society? Am I not just a result of what we are taught to expect? That sense of entitlement that we develop as Americans and as someone who identifies as gay?
As Americans we seem to think that we are better than people in other countries (though perhaps all countries have this arrogance?). As a gay person I am horribly aware of what the "gay male ideal" is and I know I am not, nor will I ever be, it.
These things cause me pause. I wonder why I am not extraordinary and I wonder why I was dealt the cards I hold. I am only now accepting the fact that there are things I can change and things I shouldn't even worry about changing. The problem is accepting the way things are so I don't have to go through the thought process of having to accept I can't change it. To me those are different things. There is a difference between accepting who we are, and accepting we can't change it. The former is an acceptance of the status quo, of accepting our uniqueness. The latter is trying to change it and finally accepting you cannot. You're accepting  your failure as opposed to your success. We each need to be the best that we are able to be, without judgement or frustration. Other people judge us just fine and we don't need to be our "own worst enemy". This is my goal.
The folly of youth is the belief that the "now" is what is most important at the cost to "soon" or "in time".
I think we should all live in the moment, but we still need to be mindful of the future and what it has in store for us. Sure it's easy to figure that we'll face something when it happens. To me living in the moment is more about being thankful for what you have and enjoying everything around you. It's quite another to sacrifice what can be for what is. Cramming your foot into 6 inch stilettos because they make your legs look so great at 22 but then at 52 being unable to walk because of the damage those $700 Louboutins did to your feet. Or the insistence in tanning because you don't "look as good pale" and then dealing with the skin cancer at 40 or even younger.
Would I have this opinion if I was able to tan? Would I have continued with the sun worship if I could attain that "golden healthy glow"? I don't know in honesty. Just like I don't know the path my life would have taken had I moved to Phoenix or San Diego or West Hollywood instead of staying in Southern Utah. I just know that you really do reap what you sow. I've had an eyelid replaced thanks to skin cancer and I go through life every day noticing spots on my skin with a different texture than the skin around it and worry that it might also be skin cancer. But sharing these experiences with others means jack shit.
As much as I like to think that the "it gets better" movement is making a difference, each person has their own shit and their own demons that they have to face and, no matter what, no one can save them from them but themselves. But the nice thing with this type of movement... it proves that, though they may not be the exact same demons, people have been through similar trials and came out on the other side, not unscathed perhaps, most likely changed, but alive and kicking, which is much better than the alternative. The problem with this movement is it deals with the young. And as I've learned, the "young" will always stay young. They cannot see past their immediate future and their current situation. They think they can on certain levels, but when it comes to their gestalt and their very being, they cannot. Sure, we can plan for a future of owning a home or having a family or getting an education or a career. But when it comes to our mortality, or the repercussions of our actions in the moment... those things we are blind to in our youth. And those trappings fall away when we move away from our "youth" and move into our maturity. For each person that is a different time. And I think for each person there is an element of regret and a yearning to return to what was or a desire to change the decisions that we made. Some people refer to it as the "arrogance of youth" and I think that might be fair. But I think it might also be the ignorance of youth. That inability to understand mortality. Not just in existence, but in how we exist. Ask the fellow in the wheelchair how he feels after that split second decision to see just how fast he can take his bullet bike on a stretch of road. He still exists, he is still there, but he is fundamentally a different person so in essence he doesn't exist. He ceased to exist in his original form the moment his body hit the pavement.
Now it's not just the young that do these things. I have made plenty of decisions that in retrospect I should have known better. But I am definitely more aware of the choices I make now then I was at 20. Sometimes I worry about that, because I think I am not allowing myself to live out loud or to live completely because I might be hamstrung by something that "might happen" as opposed to what "will happen". But this doesn't preclude the idea that there are things we should be aware of and things we can do that will ensure we will have the opportunity to live long and well.
No regrets. I wish that were as easy to put into action as it is to type. I don't think for a moment that it is possible to live fully without regret. But I do think we can mitigate that regret. That is ultimately what I am hoping to do this year. To not judge myself based on other people and as a result regret only the things I didn't do as opposed to the things I did. I will take more chances, I will work on becoming who I want to be. But I'll do it for me, not for my perceived idea of how other people will experience it. I won't try to become more fit out of the idea that by doing so I will be more attractive to others. I will do it so I don't feel tired when I vacuum my damn floor, or move furniture around or just move through this world. In essence, I'll do it for me as opposed to "them", that invisible audience we all carry around in our heads.
So, going forward I am going to see where this road takes me and see what the future has in store for me and I will accept it and me for what it is and do my best in forming it in a fashion that makes me happy. I will not compare my home, or my life or myself on others' and just focus on being the best "me" I can.
Fingers crossed.