Noobies VÜ

This is something that has bugged me for quite some time. It is something that when witnessed it churns the stomach and tears the eyes. It is not something I aspire to do or achieve. It is not something that inspires awe or jealousy. It is something that makes me groan and sometimes even dry heave and makes me curse the male human being. What could this hideous thing or act be? The infernal desire that many straight men seem (sorry boys, but gay guys just wouldn't do this) to feel the need to do and share. The "unburied soldier" The steaming pile of waste that straight guys seem to gauge their manliness by. Too many times have I gone into a stall in the restroom to piddle (I never sit, in a public restroom, I just don't, but that's another story. I am pee shy tho, so... well, there it is.) and I am greeted by the fragrant leavings of the guy that last visited this commode abode. Am I impressed? God no. Do I wish , that I too, could create such a noxious and foul apparition? FUCK NO. That shit best be left at home! Why do people think we wanna see this? Do you do this at home? Do you think to yourself, "God damn that one big pile o' crap. I am so proud I'll just leave it here for the wife and kiddies to see." No! you send that bad boy where it belongs. Why don't you do that in public? Cuz your a pig! a fucking immature, aging adolescent asshole who must humor yourself by the most basest and revolting way possible. Meanwhile decent people like myself must attempt to hit the handle with the toe of our shoe whilst burying our noses in our shirts and averting our eyes to keep from searing the image of your "best work" onto our retinas. Praying that we don't slip on the piss you felt compelled to leave behind as artistic flavor on the floor, thereby plunging our foot into that glorious pile of gastric effluence. Just so we can have a pristine bowl to aim for. Just a bit of advice, by the way, if you leave that much behind you shoulda gone a long time ago. It isn't better after it's aged up there. Oh, and another thing. Grunters! Jesus man, if it takes that much work, it isn't ready. You're lucky you don't have an embolism. It's a known fact that 3 percent of household deaths take place in the bathroom on the toilet as a result of blown vessel from too much strain. Save it for your house man. Maybe one of your frat mates will be impressed and stunned to silence by your sheer talent and looks forward to your calling out from the bathroom, "dudes you gotta see this thing, It fills the bowl, totally swirling around in it like a corkscrew! It's like fuckin art!" Just do the rest of us a favor. You gush it, you flush it.